my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
