Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we made out on top of his cat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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