I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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