Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
