Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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