My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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