how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
