You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
