What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im holly from the hills drunk
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
