i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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