I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
