I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize