ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
