So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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