Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
