Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
too bad you live with your parents still
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
