matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
