I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
