i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
