Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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