i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
