Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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