In the future we'll all be gay
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
