I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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