I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
