oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
