1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
