Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
