I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
