Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize