Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
