I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
