The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize