if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
