Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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