So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
