drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The uberlube is also flammable
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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