I just pynch a tree in the face
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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