I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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