Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
we're so committed to being not committed
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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