You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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