I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
