he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
