I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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