he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
