Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
