So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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