Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
