I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
