some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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