Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
