So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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