The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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