She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
