i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
