hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
