chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize