On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
