you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
